My Inner Julia Child is Just Going to Have to Get Over It

  

The refrigerator before the clean out.

No whining. 

Day One of a 28 day vegan experiment. 

Age: 61

Weight: yeah, right. I'm not sharing everything.

Things I want to get better/change/eliminate:

- Arthritis pain

- Non-existant stamina

- Muscle aches (and constant ligament inflamation)

- Too much time sitting, and sitting is very uncomfortable to me all of a sudden

- Brain fog - sure I've got major ADD and have had it all my life, but I have SO much I want to do with my life. I feel like I'm just getting started and need to get more done each day

- Too many meds. I take at least 6 types a day. All of them can be eliminated except for the thyroid meds. Five of the six are prescribed. The sixth is Advil.

- Sugar addiction. For God's sake, even my vitamins are gummies! 

- Cheese addiction

- Lousy sleep patterns (partially canine-induced)

- Shrinking - I've already lost almost an inch

- Hard time getting up out of low chairs

- No muscle tone

- My grandson called me fat this weekend - he's right

- Difficulty walking

- Some difficulties with balance (possible Miniare's Disease)

- Frequent ear infections

- Growing inertia

I know this sounds like whining, but it's not. It's just a matter of fact listing of what I want to be different.

We watched Forks Over Knives last night. So inspiring. Al is in, too. 

I cleaned out the refrigerator this morning after coming home from the YMCA. My inner Julia Child freaked out at throwing away the butter. Breathe. 

One day at a time.

The refrigerator after clean out. 

Before the Leap

My taste in everything is changing.

Tuesday night

I is quite possible that we will be moving. The reality of it hit me Sunday and I wasn't prepared.

Sunday was the morning we woke up to learn about the horrific killings in the nightclub in Orlando. I  couldn't feel it at first. It was almost as if I refused to feel it. Not again. All is lost. The center cannot hold. And, then I felt it.

The possibility of moving hit shortly thereafter and I lost my bearings. Swirling around and around and down the drain. All is lost. I don't know how to do anything and I'm too old to find a job.

Monday was not much better. Nor today. But, today there are glimmers. Turn this on its ear. Make life an adventure. F@#* the fear and have fun with this. At 61 you can redefine yourself if you want. I've been feeling the ground shift beneath my feet. My whole idea of what I think is beautiful is changing. We could get a tiny little cottage and if we do it right have a little bit of money left over to make it awesome. I could be bold! I could be adventurous. Living in staid old Buckhead is not me. It never has been so what am I doing back here? Be gone! Take only those things that I love.

Do I want a tattoo? No. Zero interest.
Do I want to pierce anything. Nope. Not me.
I want to have a less cluttered home. Whoa. That's new.
I want to get rid of a lot of the paintings I have. New.
I HATE those stupid blue glass plates in the kitchen. Gone!
I hate being uncomfortable in my body. You know what to do. So shut up and do it.
My taste in furniture is changing dramatically. I'm drawn to more modern lines.
And, ancient, too. Together.

What do I really, really like/feel/believe/want/long for? What do I want to do with these precious days I have left on this Earth?

Honestly? I want to figure out what I have to give. I want to give what I can that is real and true. Graduate school baffled me because I couldn't comprehend that there wasn't a right answer I was trying to get to. There was only what I thought and I didn't know how to do that. Trying to please is over.

Aha! The dread is gone. Cleansing. Purifying. Cleaning. Clearing. Opening the windows and letting the cool breezes flow through. I love breezes. A cool breeze is one of my favorite things in the world.

See! There is something to hold on to. In our new home, I will be able to feel the breezes through windows that open to let in the Spring or Autumn air. Beautiful windows.

It's a start.

WWHMD?

What would Dame Helen Mirren do when facing a slump?

What To Do When You Are Bored With Yourself

I remember my Mom saying, "When you find you are bored with yourself, you can be pretty certain you have been boring everybody else for a long, long time."

Ah.

Here's a re-write of a well-known quote... wait. I forgot what I was going to say. Darn it. That is happening more and more these days.

I am entering my third act and I am not feeling like myself at the moment.

Third act. Rewrite. Edit. What to keep (truth, beauty, honesty, love, acceptance, kindness, joy)? What to discard (lies, resentment, fear, exhaustion, anger)? Final act? No, no. No fear, remember?

Cyngen Begin Ahgen

The number of days of my life that have started with, "Today I begin again. I will transform everything about me. Starting right now. After this cup of coffee. Honey, did you see what she wrote on Facebook?! I'm starving" are too numerous to count.

Isn't she the sweetest thing? (That's Southern for "Oh, you poor girl.")

I was going to do it again right now. That's why I pulled up this old blog. I am going to write about radically transforming my life starting right NOW. I am sitting in my studio with my feet propped up. There is a cool Spring breeze blowing in the front door and out the open back door. The back door looks out at a beautiful jungle of green trees, vines, birds. The breeze is all the more sweet because in two days the weatherman says the Georgia summer will hit us. This year I will try to love the hot, sweaty, sweltering heat. Somehow.

Anyway, my feet are propped up in front of a mountain of papers, books, printed reports that I just HAD to read, but didn't - I mean, I haven't. But, I breathe in for a minute and look at what surrounds me and the anxiety about what a messy bad person I am starts to fade. Look at these magnificent books! There are pictures my son drew when he was a child framed and hanging on the walls. There are extraordinary drawings by his now-five-year-old son posted everywhere. Toys. There are toys in every nook and cranny that the grandkids ask for by name when they come visit. There is always something new to discover in here - for me, too. It is my little spot of heaven. Mess and all.

I'm stalling a bit. Filing, you know. But, what I wanted to say is that I am now 61. My mother died at 62. And, I am reminded of what an old friend of mine tattooed on her foot: "Dost thou love life?"

Dost I? I do. I do, I do, I do.

Just for today that is what I will focus on. Pure and simple. I love my husband, my family, my friends, my noisy untrained dog, my garden. I love my work (which is literally play). I'd like to lose 80 more pounds. I'd like to speak French. I'd like to do yoga everyday and not hurt anymore. But, today I am simply going to love.

Tomorrow, somebody remind me that I figured it all out today, okay. 'Cause I'll forget.

Passing My Mom

My Dad, me, my sister and my beautiful Mom

Day Something-or-Another

I came up with a brilliant plan just now. I'm doing a fairly good job of sticking to eating really healthy foods. At the moment I have so maligned sugar in my mind that the goblin is cheese. All in all even that hasn't been much of a problem although I may cold-turkey it for a while.

Oh, yes, my plan. Call me crazy, but I have decided that trying to lose 50+ pounds by the end of the year (four months from now) is probably not going to happen. So I've come up with an alternate timeline. It may sound gruesome, but my goal is to outlive my mother. I am almost 60 and 1/2 (remember when you used to say, "I'm not 5, I'm 5 and 1/2!!"? It appears those halves return late in life when every moment counts). My mother died suddenly just two weeks shy of her 63rd birthday. That's a little close for comfort. Two and 1/2 years. But for my health effort that is a timeframe I can work with. Slow and steady wins the race.

So, here's what I see happening - on my 63rd birthday (March 6, 2018) I will be the glowing picture of mature health and vitality that I want to be. One day at a time, putting health first.

(Now my great-grandmother Nana lived to 104. We'll work on that after we hit the 63 mark.)

The Girl's Alright With Me. You Know the Girl's Alright.

Me, Earl the Cat, and a dog  Athens, Georgia 1975-ish

Day Two

“Wake up and think about your health.” Almost. Pretty close. Better than ever before.

Had a fantastic healthy breakfast of oatmeal to which I added: chopped apple, chopped dried plums (cracks me up – we all know they are prunes, you’re not fooling anyone, except Millennials, which I guess is the point), sunflower seeds, chia seeds, and hemp. I haven’t put sugar on my oatmeal in years and can’t believe I ever did. Surprising. It was a delicious meal and I savored every bite.

Took all of my vitamin, thyroid, and turmeric (my new thing) pills and those pills with 10 billion somethings that are supposed to be in your stomach. And, coffee. Thank God they’re saying coffee is good for you.

Did some of the exercises my old physical therapist gave me for my posture when she was treating my shoulder, um, torn rotator cuff, that’s it. I forget. I have had so many injuries. I’ll tell you about them some time. It’ll be fun. Really. Like the time I broke my arm when I fell off a train in England on the way to school in the Cotswolds. Wish someone had filmed that! But, that’s for later.

 Recently I’ve had call to look at old pictures. Very old pictures. This morning it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have spent my entire life berating myself for how I look. But, I look at those pictures and I think I was kinda cute. And, I wasn’t fat, I just wasn’t Twiggy. Seriously, I wasn’t bad and I like the spirit I see on my face and in my eyes. So, I decided to be ok with how I am today. If I do nothing I could still look back at pictures of me today and say, “Jeez, I wish I had appreciated how good I have it.”

So, day two. I appreciate how good I have it today.