Before the Leap

My taste in everything is changing.

Tuesday night

I is quite possible that we will be moving. The reality of it hit me Sunday and I wasn't prepared.

Sunday was the morning we woke up to learn about the horrific killings in the nightclub in Orlando. I  couldn't feel it at first. It was almost as if I refused to feel it. Not again. All is lost. The center cannot hold. And, then I felt it.

The possibility of moving hit shortly thereafter and I lost my bearings. Swirling around and around and down the drain. All is lost. I don't know how to do anything and I'm too old to find a job.

Monday was not much better. Nor today. But, today there are glimmers. Turn this on its ear. Make life an adventure. F@#* the fear and have fun with this. At 61 you can redefine yourself if you want. I've been feeling the ground shift beneath my feet. My whole idea of what I think is beautiful is changing. We could get a tiny little cottage and if we do it right have a little bit of money left over to make it awesome. I could be bold! I could be adventurous. Living in staid old Buckhead is not me. It never has been so what am I doing back here? Be gone! Take only those things that I love.

Do I want a tattoo? No. Zero interest.
Do I want to pierce anything. Nope. Not me.
I want to have a less cluttered home. Whoa. That's new.
I want to get rid of a lot of the paintings I have. New.
I HATE those stupid blue glass plates in the kitchen. Gone!
I hate being uncomfortable in my body. You know what to do. So shut up and do it.
My taste in furniture is changing dramatically. I'm drawn to more modern lines.
And, ancient, too. Together.

What do I really, really like/feel/believe/want/long for? What do I want to do with these precious days I have left on this Earth?

Honestly? I want to figure out what I have to give. I want to give what I can that is real and true. Graduate school baffled me because I couldn't comprehend that there wasn't a right answer I was trying to get to. There was only what I thought and I didn't know how to do that. Trying to please is over.

Aha! The dread is gone. Cleansing. Purifying. Cleaning. Clearing. Opening the windows and letting the cool breezes flow through. I love breezes. A cool breeze is one of my favorite things in the world.

See! There is something to hold on to. In our new home, I will be able to feel the breezes through windows that open to let in the Spring or Autumn air. Beautiful windows.

It's a start.