Ah, I See

And then one day it hits you. There's not an infinite amount of time left. That is when you have to decide.  Do I fold? Do I flourish? What do I do with this one life I have? How do I spend this time I have left?  Who shall I be while I am still here? I do get to chose.

Going Underground

Me then. 1973?

I'm not entirely sure how it happened but in a less than two weeks I turn 59. 59, as in just before 60. I am excited. No, really I am.

I stopped writing here for a while because it was not going the way I wanted it to and from now on I want to be honestly me. I was beginning to think in terms of writing things that would attract readers when what I really want is for this blog to be honest if nothing else. Frankly, what I am experiencing as I approach old age (for surely I am not "there" yet) is common to so many of my generation. Maybe writing honestly will be helpful, maybe it will be seen as self-indulgent (look how many "I"s I have to use!), maybe it is inappropriate to share such personal things on the Internet of all places.

The fact is that I am a writer and writing is how I cope and come to understand. That is part of why I am going underground. By that I mean, I am not going to promote this on Facebook or anywhere else for now. I can't believe I am going to say this, but I want to "find my voice." I want to just write away honestly and see what happens. So, people are drawn to the blog or repelled or never even know it existed. Whatever happens is fine. I find this aging thing fascinating and I want to share that.

Last night I looked closely at my hand. In the last 18 months my skin has begun to change. I look at my hand now and see my grandmother's skin. Wow. I was always the youngest at everything growing up. I skipped a grade early on so I was just getting my learner's license when everyone else was driving to school in their new car. I was a very young woman with a child when all the other mom's were a good 10 years older. Then I wake up one day and walking through the mall I am invisible. I look at "the kids today" and they are kids. Yep. It has happened. I am no longer the youngest at much of anything. I am still developing my career and making a life when so many my age are retiring. I am even in graduate school, and, yes, I am the oldest in my class. I have grandchildren which is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced.

So, that's it for now. But, now that I have given up trying to write about things that will interest people and decided to write just what I feel like writing I can't wait to see where I go. It's great being alive in a day and age where you can still begin again at the ripe old age of 59!