A Full Empty Nest

Freshman Move In Day at the Dorm

Earlier this week, my husband and I drove 11+ hours to take his son Jordan to college in Washington, DC. He is beginning his freshman year at George Washington University (GW) on Monday. It was an exhausting drive, mostly because we had to turn around and do it in reverse the next day, but it was still fun. And Jordan gets to begin a new life, and Al and I have an empty nest for the first time.

Over the same few days, I wrapped up my first big academic paper in graduate school. I dragged my heals for AGES on that one. "Pulling teeth" is the phrase that comes to mind when I think of how hard it was to dig into that paper. It had nothing to do with the material (which I love), and everything to do with the garbage going on between my two ears. Yes, my brain is a cluster #$%&.

Here is the brain garbage in a nutshell: self-loathing, blah, blah, blah, nobody ever taught me how to think, blah, blah, blah....blah, I can't do this, I have ADD!!, I'm not smart enough, I don't have time for this, I need to make money, I'm about to be 60 for God's sake.....aaaAAARRGGGHHHH!!! (Loud scream heard in the background.) Blah. Blah blah.

But, I wrote the paper. And, I passed. And, my professor liked what I wrote. And, I only used the tiny portion of my brain available to me, so imagine what I could do if I could quiet the Screaming Mimis that take up the majority of the space. (I just looked up Screaming Mimi. It's a piece of German World War II rocket artillery. I love finding out the meaning of phrases I have heard for ever, but didn't realize I understood.)

I always assumed that by the time I approached 60 I would be a Zen Master. Certainly, after all that one has lived through, you have figured most things out and have let go of the garbage that doesn't serve you. Surprise! You are still you. Drat! And, yet, when I entered that dorm room the other day and looked about, I felt in my bones how long my path has been. I do vividly remember moving into my dorm room at the University of Georgia in the Fall of 1972. Everything was in front of me, and yet, I let the Screaming Mimis run over my life instead of confidently putting one foot in front of the other, eager to explore and craft a fine future. I thought, if only I could go back and do it all over knowing what I know now. What a useless mental exercise that is.

In truth, my life has been mine and I have enjoyed the ride: bumps, unending hills, and free falls alike. I'm not planning on going anywhere anytime soon, but over the past year I have, for the first time, come to realize that my time is limited. Will I leave a legacy? Does a plain old person leave a legacy or do you have to be grand and famous for that? It is freaking me out more than a bit to realize that I will die. Who wants to think about that? But, it is a grand thing - this life - if you appreciate the moments that fill it. And, if you have grandchildren, well, what could be more grand?

And so, today I enter my own new phase of life because I woke up. And, tomorrow will be yet another new phase. It's nothing as grand as Freshman year away from home for the first time. But, as I look back on the days that have filled my life since I first walked into Brumby Hall some 42 years ago (gulp) I smile with the weight of experience and continue on, happy to breathe, work, love and play for one more day.

I'd say, "At least I don't have homework anymore," but I do!